Illusions of the Phantom that is You

what hurts the most to hear...? Because you already gave the sign of all three

''i hate you''
''i never loved you to begin with''
''i almost fell for you''

did you ever mean the things you said? do you even mean the things you're saying right now?

-- If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. --

you never said you take it back, and yet you didn't say you don't... everything about you changed, so i ask: am I still talking to the one I loved, or just a stranger who looks like you?

~you used to be so much easier to read. now the lies are blanketed and the truth is hidden. tell me: what is within those deep eyes of yours?~

I'm still waiting here, stuck in the past, while you've obviously moved on, i'm not a stranger to love, you already shattered my heart and made me tougher, but i am a stranger to your heart, a weakling to your voice, your eyes, your face...

IS THIS EVER GOING TO STOP IF WE KEEP ON SEEING EACH OTHER EVERY DAY....?!?!

Moving On

''They say that love makes a person happy''
''But not if the one you love likes someone else''
''More so that that same person loves your best friend''
''And you can't say anything 'cause you might ruin them''

I thought we've just talked things through
Though we have already overcome the tide
You never did mean a thing, bluffing
Just said those things to get rid of me

But I'm thankful that has happened
It triggered myself to follor my mind
For once, I didn't dream of you, of us
'cause I think I'm finally moving on

''And so I'm here in the middle of the chaos''
''Feeling hopeless, I'm already giving so much''
''And even though I've never asked for something in return,''
''All I need is someone to break through the crowd and find me''

I'm listening to: Secondhand Seranade - Fall For You

Thunder

your voice WAS the sountrack of my summer
do you know you WERE unlike any other
you'll ...always... be my thunder inside

Chivas...

You... are... crap!

Fourth Time's the Charm...?

They say ''third time's the charm'' right, but if it doesn't work... could there be a fourth time wherein eveything finally goes perfectly right?!

This day we're supposed to have soccer intrams, I was so psyched to play, I brought everything there is that you could use/wear in soccer; you name it, and I already have it right in my bag.
So there we were, getting ready for the much-anticipated game, but then, my parents texted me and said that i can't play 'cause nobody would come and get me from school if I stayed late!
So when I told my classmates that, they were all so disappointed, some even tried to convince me to just ride in another classmate's bus, some hurt me :D, and some just felt really down.
So in the end, I was able to let my classmates down, as well as myself for not knowing sooner.

And then, when I went to my bus unwillingly, with regret and second thoughts glooming over me, my busmate that I really ''liked'' told me she'd ride in the bus as well even though all her other friends are going out. Then this other busmate of mine who's a boy, tried to convince her to come with them, I eavesdropped in their conversation, she said she just wasn't allowed to, then suddenly they were hugging... for a really long time... AS A MEANS OF SAYING GOODBYE!
Then I tried not to let my thoughts show when she was talking to me about what happened unknowing I've already heard, and seen, all that has happened, and God, did she look so happy...
Then the same guy came back again, trying to convince her again, and the bus driver sided with him, and i just stood there... surprised that she actually took the offer up this time, I don't want to comment since I might just ruin her day (date)... but I swear to myself I was crying inside

And just when I was wishing that something today would actually go right... I believed in the saying ''third time's the charm'' so I took the risk and made the text message I've always been wanting to send to someone... and let's just say the answer is much worse than what I was expecting... so now I'm thinking... tomorrow, maybe something really good would actually balance all the negative aura I've had this day... ''Fourth Time's the Charm'', anyone?

I'm listening to: Evanescence - Torniquet

The Right Choice?

Is it okay to never let it go?

To never forget all the good times you had?

To never stop loving even though they won't love you back?



Because that's exactly what I'm doing right now

Exactly what I've been thinking about ever since then

Exactly what I've always known was wrong but still held on



I always hoped for the best even though I know it could never be

Always wished for you to come back though you've already forgotten

Always begged for redemption although you couldn't give a damn thing


And I always get my hopes down again and remember
It's just another day when you'll say no just like any other
So I ask myself after being thrown to the ground again and again
After suffering on another day... Am I really making the right choice?

I am listening to: Jesse Mccartney - It's Over

Takin' Risks

well, just earlier today, exactly at noon, I took what other people would consider a ''major risk''

How so? well, let's just say all the odds are against me, but with my friends' support, I was convinced to take the risk- going to my appointment with the ''devil's advocate'' :D
Hmm... It went out really awkward at first on the phone, my heart was beating really fast I could feel it on my neck and hear it throbbing just waiting to rip out of my chest anytime 'cause just by anticipating it, I already became nervous.
The first few moments were mechanical, since I already rehearsed them with all the possibilities taken note of. But after I did what I was supposed to, which I guess went out better than I was originally expecting... but silence followed.
Then i remembered- oh no... I've been focused so much on predicting what would happen and what would I say in my intended reason for calling, that my mind was left with a blank on what am I supposed to do next afterwards...!
Silence... that was all that happened for about 10 seconds before I thought of something to actually say that has been bugging my mind ever since I've heard about it, but just right after I asked that question, regret soon followed; i realized that just by asking that question, I already left a bad impression of just being a leech.
And just when an explanation snapped on my mind on why I ever even mentioned that, someone texted me, and i can't reach my cell to shut the ringing up since the telephone i was using is wired on itelf.
But that isn't the worst part... The tone that was actually playing was a song that the person i was talking with is gets very touche about whenever I used to play it as well back then
So i immediately said my goodbye, a really hesitant-sounding thanks, some final words and disconnected, but even though I did those things as fast as i could, I still believe that person heard the song since it was already on the 1st verse, with maximum volume playing...!
And just when I actually disconnected the phone, did I remember a question I've been meaning to ask that person for a very long time already, that I was supposed to ask instead of that ''too personal, too soon'' hell of an offending topic... !
Wow, I could've died of regret and 'what if' questions right then and there since it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity i just cut short... stupid song... stupid cellpone, stupid wired telepone!!! :(

But as of now, I realized that even if risks are dangerous to take, it always has a chance to turn out alright. Mine might not have gone the most smoothly, but it did turn out better that what I previously imagined. Fear of the unknown is just a clouded illusion toward the better progress.

I'm listening to: Demi Lovato - don't forget

They Say...

I know we haven't been talking anymore after a long time
But even you gotta admit things aren't the same anymore
The blue horizon that I once saw with you is now dark
The heat that surged through my body is now cold as ice

I never really see you more than just our eyes meeting glances
But they say you've gotten nicer now
They say you've gone and changed
But I say... I loved you just the way you were then

And I never actually talked to you much than just expressions
But they say you speak dirtier now
They say you don't laugh as much
But I say... I prefered that innocent face you had

I know you already moved on with your life without me
And yet, I'm still stuck with all the memories we shared
The book I used to read so much has a new cover now
The deep orbs that used to be so pure lost its sparkle

I know we have already broke things up and left
But somehow, you never really said goodbye
The lost hope i once had has been lighted up again
And the final words we said swept me like a tsunami

I'm listening to: Carrie Underwood - Whenever You Remember

Reflections of My Shattered Sanity

4
things i hate about you:
you never get what I'm trying to say to you
you always ask why do i love you
you never stop texting and calling me
you always think that I'm gonna make fun of you
but...
you always say sorry whenever you sense i'm get irritated
because you don't think you're good enough
since you say you miss me and don't want us to fall apart
'cause you know I really like it when i see you blush

3
And now that you don't show any emotion towards me anymore, how could i probably guess what you feel?
All i could do is think of the things we did when we were still us, and hope that what i'm thinking of is right...
Because you never said you regretted what we were, nor did you say that you'll never love me once again

2
But deep down, i feel that
you treat me like i'm just-a-friend; you never did anything differently when we were together
you never said that you love me back; you just kept on changing the subject when it comes to that
and yet you...
take the time to call me whenever i don't text back and you seem so jealous when I don't
never get mad whenever i'm being a real pest; although i'm doing my best to make you irritated

1
i miss you

I'm listening to: Kelly Clarkson - Cry

Confessions of A Broken Dream

i had this dream last night, a dream when we were together again
as i recall all that has happened, i only see glimpses of this nightmare
no matter how much it hurts, i know i could never run away from the truth

i knew it could never happen, and yet i fell on its trap
so contented with the happiness i was experiencing
that i forgot the line between reality and my fantasy

''a friend said you wanted to talk to me, i didn't know what to do at first
but i knew i must face the truth someday, so i decided it was today
she led me to where you wanted us to meet, all alone in this quiet day''

''suddenly you said you were sorry, you never wanted things to go this far
you offered your hand to me, i couldn't move, i couldn't think
so you took my hand, held it against yours; i still remember how warm it felt''

''we talked things through, and everything finally cleared up like a fog
I said heartfelt promises for you and me, and then you asked for a hug
something i was wishing for a very long time, i gladly accepted it''

and just as everything seems to feel like we're living in our personal heaven
sadly, perfection was never meant to be as i heard something ringing in my ear
as i woke up, i realized- it was just a broken dream fueled by my longing heart

*true story...

I'm listening to: Avril Lavigne - Complicated